One part of me feels lost. Another part is in the dark. And other parts I have no idea where they are.

I see too much of the night and not enough of the day. Late nights probably aren't a good thing then.

Can't sleep. What's wrong with me?

Usually, people are happy, but not satisfied, wanting more to add on that happiness. As for me, it's the opposite. I am satisfied with what I have and what's going on. So why aren't I happy with it? In a way I feel hollow, like there's a void in me that isn't filled.

Even though my life has been pretty normal still, a lot of things have changed lately. Mainly me. I haven't figured out if it's a good or bad thing. But people say some things change for the better, and maybe this'll change my forever.

Falling too fast, clearly rules don't apply.

So, I can't rely on instincts as of late. My mind's in too much of a jumble to figure shit out myself. Instead, I turn to my friends for guidance and they point me to one way, but personally, I think it's the other. I hope they're right though because it's what I prefer. Just hope I'm not running in circles, chasing my own tail.

I haven't paid attention to blogging lately. Mainly 'cause I have no energy and motivation, partly 'cause I'm busy. But I have those nights when I'm alone and I just stop and think: What's going on?

Answer: I really don't know.

But all in all, at the end of the day, no matter who you met, what you did, or what's gonna happen, the most important thing I realize is that life goes on.

Calm like a bomb

So, I took a nap earlier and kept on waking up because I didn't wanna have a long nap. So I kept waking up mid-dream phase so I can remember bits of it.

I dreamt I was either playing Halo or I was in Halo universe as a Spartan. Shooting down down in a place called Sector 6. I think Jared was there, too, for some reason. I remember shooting this weird animal; it had white fur like it was from the Arctic and it had 4 legs, like maybe a Yeti if it walked on 4 legs. There were 2 of them and one of them would lie on the back of the other so the one lying down had its legs up. I used a Battle Rifle to zoom in and shoot them pew pew.

Then, no more shit to kill so I gathered up my soldiers and we looked around. I think we were looking for a specific person because I was shooting at him before. I saw that he dropped into an opening, so I ran and threw a grenade in there. I walked around more until we decided I should go into the opening and find the guy.

I look down into the opening and its like all red from emergency lights and smoke from the grenade and whatever I blew up in there. When I dropped down, everything changed. I was normal me in like a really trashed/wrecked house, but all the lights were on. Bright lights like office lights. I look around and there's a window on all the left wall of me that goes from the ceiling until halfway down the wall and it extends to the wall in front of me a bit more and the door is next to the window on the right side. The window is like the "obscure" type of glass that you can't really see clear through. The door is blocked with a mattress, couch and filled up garbage bags for some reason, I hear someone vacuuming so I kinda squash myself between the couch and bags, kneeling down. I peek out and see a kinda tall white person with dirty blonde/brown hair outside and he kinda looks in, like he's decidiing whether to go in or not but decides not to because its hard to get in with all the crap in the way of the door. For some reason, the guy looks like Dylan, so I decide to call him. I put my phone on silent, but it still makes some noise as I scroll for his name. I try calling him but the voicemail comes on right away.

I dunno how, but I knew there was a small Asian lady in the house instead of the man/Dylan and she's about to leave. I think she knows someone's in the house because I moved and the motion sensor alarm goes off or somethign which I now see on the opposite wall of the door. She rushes to leave and sets the alarm and I have to do something now. Either rush out of the house before the alarm is set or stay in the spot until the alarm is disarmed, whenever that is. I decide to rush out as the lady leaves since there's like a small window to leave a house when the alarm is set so everyone is out of the house before it's properly armed. She sets it and leaves and I pull everything aside and leave also.

I catch a glimpse of the lady and I notice she's the lady I bought a rug from with Jared, which probably happened in another dream since I don't buy rugs in real life...

Anyways, as I leave the house, it's night and I watch her go to her car and I'm like kinda in the open so I move to somewhere else. I see her drive off then another car start up and follow her too. The lady does a U-turn to get out of the street (I guess it's a court), and the car behind her does the same and as it goes by, the driver, which is some white guy, sees me, but keeps on following the lady. I go out around the back and see it's a main road and maybe I see someone lying in the backyard. That's probably from another game, Saints Row 2; in the game, I went to my friend's backyard and saw a random lying there, reading the paper, so yeha..

Anyways, I go out front and decide to call Theo and tell him about where I am for some reason. I guess it was important. I call him and tell him to remember the house number 17 or 18 and its either Minute St or Sandown Ro.? since those two street signs were on the corner. I tell him to hurry and he's like, "hold on hold on" like he can't find a paper and pen. But yeah, that's about it. Random.


----


Did you know everyone you dream about, you've met sometime in your life? Like not your friends or family who are in your dreams, but the so-called random people. Every face you see you have actually seen at one point in your life. Like maybe you dreamt about some guy who trying to kill you or something. That guy is probably the ice-cream man from when you and your parents went to the zoo when you were 6. So, our mind always keeps a record of who you've met for your whole life.

Lying down on a field with someone you care about and looking up at the stars in the nightsky seems like such a relaxing thing to do. But to me, it was one of the most exciting things I've done in my whole life.

It's a never-ending race. But it isn't a competition. We're all winners. We strive for perfection. But that is unachievable, so we have to settle for what we can get. "Anything is possible" is a lie. Perfection is not possible. There are too many differences between people to decide what is ultimately "perfect". But, to contradict myself, perfection can be possible...

..only in your own eyes. It's up to you to decide if you're perfect for yourself, content with who you are. Only then will you be a winner.


------


So... I'm blogging because Annie wanted me to.. hah. I'm all prepared for ASEAN Ball. Got my suit ready and just finished altering my mask today. I suppose I'm excited for it.. stupid Iori forcing me to go. :) Oh, I got my head shaved tonight, too. Perfect timing. As usual, I was bored and shaved the lines myself. It turned out quite well this time. DOPE!

My mom got a new phone last night 'cause her old one crapped out. It makes me wanna get a new one, too.. but I'm fine with my one as it is.. but I just like having new things. I had to transfer all her contacts to her new one. It was such a tedious task trying to figure out what to do but I got it done. I'm pro.

Today, I was kinda tired since I was up late playing Street Fighter IV online. I really hate people who use Ken. It's just so predictable. I'm not saying I beat all the Kens I play since I'm still kinda leraning, but those scrubs piss me off. Videogames: serious business. Oh, I watched Stigmata, too. Really not that great.. it almost makes stigmata seem like an evil thing to experience. Portraying religion in media is a funny thing because it's never the truth, just interpretations of the truth. So, do we ever learn this "truth"? Religion overall is a funny thing.

Anyways.. today. Annie came over for a bit. We just chilled and fell asleep for a bit. I needed that powernap. Then, I drove us to Box Hill and we ate dinner before she had work. I bit into a dumpling and water squirted onto my hand. It must've been a very well-made dumpling to build up pressure inside to spray me like that.. o_O

Speaking about food, I finally made chilli cheese fries the other night. It was two accomplishments in one since I never made chili con carne, too. But it wasn't like real chili with handpicked ingredients. I used an Old El Paso chilli con carne mix thingy to make it, but it was still quite good. Mmm.. craving them now.

There's many things I wanna cook up, but I'm just too lazy. Pizza, calzone, sloppy joes, quesadillas to name a few. One day.. one day.

But today.. well, tonight, I'ma just watch movies like I usually do. Holla!

No matter how simple or complex something is, no matter how many times you do it, in the end, it's always a new experience. Thus is life. It can seem very plain and repetitive on the outside, but that's just the outside. Crack the surface and it may still look the same, but it's different. Plains of grass can be identical but underneath, deep in the soil, they're both different.

I think no matter how many times you go through something, you learn more and more. If I could go back in time and see myself say... 3, 4 years ago, and tell my younger self what I know now, the young me probably might know what I mean, but would he understand? To understand, you have to experience. I can read how to do a backflip, but do I understand how to do it? No, because I haven't tried it. Only when have you've had the experience, you understand. That is everyday life: we experience and understand. And the Earth still spins.

And life goes on.

I am living life. Many times in the past, I think my life is over. But I was young and naive. I'm more mature and wise than before but there's always more to learn. Knowledge and emotions are a funny thing. They can be the same thing, but they're not. Some situations I know what to expect and I can prepare myself, but in the end, I can't control how I feel. All I can do is push forward. And it's what I've been doing.

Seeing myself now, I'm not doing the best I could, but nobody's perfect. We always strive for that perfection though and no matter how far we get, there's always more and more. It's an endless chase, but it's worth it. I'm in a very great spot and I feel very comfortable where I am. A little more effort just for myself and it'd be perfect. But you can't complain with what you have. Never have regrets. Learn from the past, never bring it into the present.

And life goes on.

We talk about near-death experiences, but do we ever talk about near-life experiences?

chicken.


50 Little Secrets.
Be honest no matter what, then tag at least fifteen friends. (yeah, i'm not doing that haha)

01. Who was your last text from?
mom

02. Where was your default picture taken?
state library i think?

03. Your relationship status?
death squeezing annie huang

04. Have you ever lost a close friend?
not really a close friend, but he was a good friend.

05. What is your current mood?
:)

06. How many siblings do you have?
just one

07. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
leang vuch kouch

08. Where do you wish you were right now?
out death squeezing a certain someone

09. Have a crazy side?
i get random bursts of crazy here and there.

10. Ever had a near death experience?
i fall off my computer chair when i lean back too much every now and then

11. Something you do a lot?
waste time

12. Angry at anyone?
haha no comment

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
NOTHING 'CAUSE I GOT HER IN MY DEATH SQUEEZE MUAHAHA.. yeah.

14. When was the last time you cried?
months ago.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
my brother from another mother, yo.

16. What you think about when you are falling asleep?
when the hell is my mom gonna be home.. ahahah.

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
jared

18. What is your favorite song?
WAITING FOR TONIGHT OHHHOH WHEN YOU WOULD BE HERE IN MY ARMS
hahaha

19. What are you doing right now?
discussing what color cover annie should put on her ipod

20. Who do you trust right now?
my crew plus certain others.

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
my mom got it when she was in america

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?
yeah *scrunchie kiss*

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
my homeboyyyyyyyyyy, jared.

24. Describe your life in one word?
chicken (i want chicken)

25. Who are you thinking of right now?
i'll be predictable and say... ANNIE. like c'mon, none of you guys thought it'd be her, right? ..right?

26. What should you be doing right now?
sleeping probably

27. What are you listening to?
RIVERSIDE MOTHERFUCKER, dedicated to june, wherever she is hahaha

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
wanda?

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
probably wanda when i closed the garage on her. HAHAHAH

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
nah not really.

31. What is your natural hair color?
black

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
both annie and may-ann

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?
hmm june 'cause she didn't reply when i asked to have breakfast HAHAH

34. What do you hear?
usher

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
straight i suppose?

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
haha wtf, sounds like something you would say after eating a muffin

37. Do you have a best friend?
yeahhhh

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
yes

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
at times

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
not really

41. Are you happy with life right now?
its fresh.

42. Are you currently jealous?
not really

43. What jewelry are you currently wearing?
none

44. What were you doing on friday night?
box hill.. stupid place had no pearls for my drink.

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yeah it was worth it though as dumb as that sounds hahah

46. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
nah don't think so

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
hmm...

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
HAHAH pulled a groin muscle.

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?
3? i was watching movies

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yeah

I know why this happens. It's trying to avoid the unavoidable. But do know that it will happen sooner or later. You can't always try to stop me. I haven't forgotten nor have I forgiven.

Yesterday, I arrived in Los Angeles. I was waiting outside for my uncle to come pick me up and I saw these two guys with cameras kinda scurrying around, but I didn't really take note. Then, this black SUV (Escalade possibly) pulled up, and two, three guys rushed out and the SUV sped off. I was all "WTF?" but I got a good glimpse at one of the guys, wearing sunglasses and a fedora. And it clicked to me that he's a celebrity. And it was Colin Farrell. I was about 5 feet away from him, too. He ran into the airport, trying to avoid cameras, so I couldn't get an autograph or anything. Damn.

This has many meanings, but it's up to you however you want to comprehend it. Inspired from listening to Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreak, yet has its own unique style to it. Enjoy.

-----

Last night, I woke up in a strange place
With decorations of abysmal taste
Then I noticed this is the maze of my mind
With access to restricted areas denied
So I wandered around this place of my identity
Hearing faint voices in the corridors of memories
I reached a fork, and a decision I must make
To choose which path to ease this unknown ache
The right path is what I chose because I never done wrong
I knew you took the left because you ended up leaving me all along
Down this confusing path of turns and dead ends
I came upon a letter that I could barely comprehend
"Didn't you think we were like a fairytale?
But you decided to have us end up in farewell
I'll only see you in my nightmares
But I'll be awake, so there's nothing to fear"
This was a letter that should've been stamped and delivered
But it wasn't because my voice never came by to visit
I noticed a passageway of spiderwebs and dust
And followed my gut because I only have my instincts to trust
And I rather have my own thoughts as company in this maze I built
Because at least I know that they are purely real
It occured to me where I was going towards
An invaluable archive of my mind that nobody could afford
A library of volumes that explained every bit of me
And it all rushed to me as if I had an epiphany
The walls around me began to sink and the darkness faded
Into a place where I could stop feeling this dread
I chose not to be a prisoner of my own mind
But a scholar, a new person refined


Have a good trip to the exit of who I am
The other side is the memories of my past

Deep down, I haven't really changed. I think that's a good thing. I just gotta keep on being me until it gets me where I want to be.

Life moves fast, but all we can do is chase after it.

YoYoYoYoYo. I'm still alive. But I suppose everybody who used to read/check on this has abandoned doing so. OH WELL.

What's been going on? I started uni few months ago. And I'm behind in like.. everything. So much for trying to keep up. Well, I'm trying my best, considering some circumstances ie my father split up with my mom so it's just me and her now. I made some cool friends in uni and it's pretty well. The only crap thing is not seeing Sarah as much now. It makes me :(.

I had my aunt's wedding the other night. Me and my uncle from France had a danceoff. It was off the heezy.

I have an oral presentation soon.. like few days.. and I have done nada. Hello once again all-nighters.

For some reason, I'm pretty excited about the cold coming. But not currently since I have a bit of the cold.

I should start working out more often since I'm feeling a bit unfit, too. I was gonna today but I suppose I shouldn't since I'm sick. Grrrrrrr. I should try to sleep more often (which I did initially then that just kinda.. stopped) so I have energy to do a bit of exercise after uni.

Pff, uni.. I have it everyday pretty much. Catching a train to and from the city 5 days a week really is a killer. Tough luck that I don't have a car/license. Well, not that I wouldn't drive to the city anyways (heaps of gas = no money), but it'd be a bit more convenient.

Okay, enough blogging! Whoever's reading this, thanks for dropping by. And I most likely miss you, too.

Boredboredboredboredbored.

The last time I blogged, I talked about Freespace 2. This blog, I'll talk about Guitar Hero 3. Hahah nah.. but yeah. I dunno what to blog about. Nobody reads this. School's over. I got an XBox 360. The last time I've blogged, most of them private, there's been lots of ranting. But all of that ranting was true and still stands true.

Beh. Nothing more to say. I guess I'll take my leave, then. Peace.

Another year gone by.

Wooosh.

Tried my best and now I'm gonna try harder.